Field Guide to Functional Narcissists

In a culture so saturated with personalities exhibiting narcissistic tendencies and full-blown narcissistic personality disorders, how can the untrained eye be certain to accurately discern a narcissist (especially a high-functioning one) when encountered?

Discerning narcissistic tendencies in others is not nearly as difficult for the untrained as one may assume.  Careful and objective observation and critical but non-judgmental assessment are the key.  And by definition, a “functional narcissist” is someone who exhibits strong tendencies, or, demonstrates a full-blown narcissistic personality but functions successfully in social settings and circles.  It may seem a hair-splitting endeavor to even attempt to assess someone as narcissistic in any sense, but it can be both a healthy, self-protective exercise  and a fair, equitable process founded in good boundary establishment and a desire to maintain relationships even with difficult, destructive personalities.

A well-known illustration may be the easiest place to start.  In the now classic Coppolla movie Apocalypse Now, Robert Duvall plays  Lt. Colonel Kilgore who utters the now iconic lines, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning…”. Lesser recognized, though, is his portrayal of this classic narcissistic personality as Kilgore attempts to correct a seemingly uncaring underling’s refusal to give water to a dying enemy soldier.  Kilgore comes across the dying Vietnamese — who seems to “hold his guts in” with his own hands while begging for water — angrily dismissing the neglectful US soldier guarding the victim by grabbing the American’s canteen, shoving him angrily away and lecturing him on his insensitivity while then dribbling water into the mouth of the dying man.  As Kilgore is “compassionately” caring for this man in great pain, another soldier runs up and reports that Kilgore’s surfing hero — a character named Lance — is catching waves on the beach.  Kilgore immediately forgets the dying man, even sightlessly dribbling water over and away from the now begging victim, tosses the canteen and starts striding toward the breakers.  The message is clear enough: Kilgore’s “caring” is not heartfelt but utilitarian and useful only to bring glory to himself.  Kilgore is consistently narcissistic throughout the entire on-screen portrayal.  Indeed, one could argue that one of the main themes of Apocalypse Nowis American Narcissism run amok through its aggressive imperialism in Southeast Asia and the apocalyptic ramifications of same in our world.  Most of the characters in the film are clearly exhibiting narcissistic tendencies, if not the full blown disorder.

Keen observation of personalities like Kilgore’s in everyday action most often clearly tell the tale of a narcissistic personality in relationship.  Watch for the following indicators:

• the interpretation of everything and everybody as referring primarily (sometimes exclusively) to the self.
• a pervasive pattern of personal grandiosity and self-importance (think of Kilgore’s upright strut in the face of enemy fire!).
• a distinct lack of empathy for other’s pain.
• a pronounced preoccupation with fantasies of success, ideal love or personal fame.
• an obvious prejudice for one’s own personal giftedness or talent, perceiving oneself as deserving special gifts, attention or rewards for one self’s unique personality or abilities.
• a requiring of excessive admiration, especially from many or crowds of people.
• unhealthy, excessive expectations of personal entitlement.
• exploitation of interpersonal relationships.
• arrogant attitudes, actions or comments regularly exhibited.
• fixation on the envy of others or the paranoia of others envy of oneself.

These are just a few issues that, taken together and observed objectively in others, can serve as a diagnostic field guide for discerning functional narcissists in your life.  Good luck, and watch your back for napalm blasts early in the day!