I have started a new website focusing on marriage communication.  In my first article, I describe a marriage counseling tips for Christian couples who have a serious desire to learn how to develop communication skills in marriage for years to come.  Learning how to extract the optimum benefit from marriage counseling is particularly important in this economy.

Author’s Note:  I recently decided to update this article (written in 2010) and move it to this website.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms:  What is a ”Narcissist?”

In a sense, the purpose of this article is to supply an answer to this question that can assist in spiritual growth.  But we may begin with a simple definition:

A narcissist is someone whose behaviors and attitudes are thoroughly seasoned with narcisisitic personality disorder symptoms to the point that he or she is often self-absorbed and self-centered in a way that exploits, ignores, or is blind to the needs of others.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms:  More Than Just Being Selfish or Egotistical

We may add to this simple definition that a person who is narcissistic may not appear to be exploiting, using, or disregarding anyone.  Scrooge in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is an obvious narcissist.  But sometimes they appear very altruistic.  The feeling of being used sometimes comes only after entering into a personal, family, or working relationship with the narcissist.

There are at least two outstanding characteristics of narcissistic men and women:

1. Most of what they do and say is self-referential:  the question, “What’s in this situation to advance my status?” is never far from their minds.
2. They have a real deficiency of empathy.  An educated, intelligent narcissist can write an eloquent essay (or sermon!) about love and empathy and knows how to display caring behavior.  But a true narcissist is almost devoid of the inner experience empathy.  If I am a narcissist, then what I feel and think is what matters.  What you feel is not just unimportant, but unknowable.  Your needs, fears, or suffering just don’t matter.  I’m not cruel (sociopaths are cruel), it’s just that your well-being is not on my mental radar.

I call this personality syndrome ”Empathy Deficiency Disorder” or EDD (my name for it has not caught on).  Obviously, narcissistic personality disorder symptoms encroach on the territory of Christian love as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13.

Adding Up Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms:  A Mental Health Definition

Turning to the mental health definition, the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition) defines narcissistic personality disorder as follows:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following narcissistic personality disorder symptoms:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. requires excessive admiration.
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7. lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. is often envious of others or believe that others are envious of him or her.
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Narcisistic Personality Disorder Symptoms:  Questions Needing Answers

• How does narcissism influence the leadership styles and relationships of Christian leaders?  (if this question interests you, check out the article written by James Patrick and just published this week by Christianity Today.
• How does narcissism impact marriage and complicate marital counseling?
• Is there such a thing as healthy narcissism?
• Is narcissism an either-you-have-it-or-you-don’t sort of thing, or are narcissistic traits in all of us in varying degree?
• How does one practice Christ-centered love toward a narcissistic leader, spouse, child, friend, or relative?
• How can the average church goer recognize narcissistic personality disorder symptoms in pastors, elders, and other Christian leaders without becoming too quick to label someone?
• Do narcissistic personality disorder symptoms cluster into a predictable personality type, or is it simply concocted by modern psychology?
• How do narcissistic personality disorder symptoms relate to original sin?
• Can a man or a woman who is severely narcissistic become a true follower of Jesus?
• If so, what would this involve?
• If  a believer encumbered with narcissistic personality disorder symptoms can see the problem, how can they grow in Christ?

Why would a minister of a church lie to the public (not to mention lying to his congregation) to claim that he used to be a Navy SEAL?

The answer is simple:  Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or narcissism disorder as some refer to it).  Of course, I ‘m not diagnosing him, but the diagnosis fits for many cases like this one.

What do you think?  Here’s the story of a pastor claiming to have been a Navy SEAL when he actually was not.

It’s very, very sad.  But the saddest part may or may not unfold depending on (1) Whether or not he seeks help; and (2) The type of help he seeks.  If he comes from an anti-psychology wing of the church, then he will repent of his sin and that will be that.  He won’t have a clue that there is an underlying condition that makes him vulnerable to this type of deceit.

My question for our readers is, how ought we to pray for him?

In a culture so saturated with personalities exhibiting narcissistic tendencies and full-blown narcissistic personality disorders, how can the untrained eye be certain to accurately discern a narcissist (especially a high-functioning one) when encountered?

Discerning narcissistic tendencies in others is not nearly as difficult for the untrained as one may assume.  Careful and objective observation and critical but non-judgmental assessment are the key.  And by definition, a “functional narcissist” is someone who exhibits strong tendencies, or, demonstrates a full-blown narcissistic personality but functions successfully in social settings and circles.  It may seem a hair-splitting endeavor to even attempt to assess someone as narcissistic in any sense, but it can be both a healthy, self-protective exercise  and a fair, equitable process founded in good boundary establishment and a desire to maintain relationships even with difficult, destructive personalities.

A well-known illustration may be the easiest place to start.  In the now classic Coppolla movie Apocalypse Now, Robert Duvall plays  Lt. Colonel Kilgore who utters the now iconic lines, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning…”. Lesser recognized, though, is his portrayal of this classic narcissistic personality as Kilgore attempts to correct a seemingly uncaring underling’s refusal to give water to a dying enemy soldier.  Kilgore comes across the dying Vietnamese — who seems to “hold his guts in” with his own hands while begging for water — angrily dismissing the neglectful US soldier guarding the victim by grabbing the American’s canteen, shoving him angrily away and lecturing him on his insensitivity while then dribbling water into the mouth of the dying man.  As Kilgore is “compassionately” caring for this man in great pain, another soldier runs up and reports that Kilgore’s surfing hero — a character named Lance — is catching waves on the beach.  Kilgore immediately forgets the dying man, even sightlessly dribbling water over and away from the now begging victim, tosses the canteen and starts striding toward the breakers.  The message is clear enough: Kilgore’s “caring” is not heartfelt but utilitarian and useful only to bring glory to himself.  Kilgore is consistently narcissistic throughout the entire on-screen portrayal.  Indeed, one could argue that one of the main themes of Apocalypse Nowis American Narcissism run amok through its aggressive imperialism in Southeast Asia and the apocalyptic ramifications of same in our world.  Most of the characters in the film are clearly exhibiting narcissistic tendencies, if not the full blown disorder.

Keen observation of personalities like Kilgore’s in everyday action most often clearly tell the tale of a narcissistic personality in relationship.  Watch for the following indicators:

• the interpretation of everything and everybody as referring primarily (sometimes exclusively) to the self.
• a pervasive pattern of personal grandiosity and self-importance (think of Kilgore’s upright strut in the face of enemy fire!).
• a distinct lack of empathy for other’s pain.
• a pronounced preoccupation with fantasies of success, ideal love or personal fame.
• an obvious prejudice for one’s own personal giftedness or talent, perceiving oneself as deserving special gifts, attention or rewards for one self’s unique personality or abilities.
• a requiring of excessive admiration, especially from many or crowds of people.
• unhealthy, excessive expectations of personal entitlement.
• exploitation of interpersonal relationships.
• arrogant attitudes, actions or comments regularly exhibited.
• fixation on the envy of others or the paranoia of others envy of oneself.

These are just a few issues that, taken together and observed objectively in others, can serve as a diagnostic field guide for discerning functional narcissists in your life.  Good luck, and watch your back for napalm blasts early in the day!

This is a relevant and  fascinating question in the church today.

This is a relevant question because according to PhD’s Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell in their recent book The Narcissistic Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement the US is experiencing an “epidemic of narcissism”.  Given this well-researched fact and the propensity the neo-American Church has for adopting culturally sensitive styles of worship and generally accessible structures and modes of leadership, none should be surprised that narcissistic spiritual leaders (NSL’s) are on the increase in the ministry, broadly, and in the pulpit, particularly.  Enabling this phenomenon are commonly held contemporary church cultural trends that lend toward fostering an NSL friendly culture.  Issues like our collective “celebrity-driven” mindset for pastoral leadership, church “branding”, personality-birthed peer-ministries (i.e., the “this  group is popular because ‘Pastor Bob’ leads it” mentality), the constant measure of ministry fruitfulness by the gauge of attendance and financial giving.  All of these realities within the organization of most churches create a ministry dynamism that encourages the most pronounced aspects of an NSL’s personality to shine forth and be employed in advancing ministry impact, though none of these trends are wrong or misguided in themselves.

This is a fascinating question because in my own ministry experience the real issue is NOT identifying NSL’s accurately or clearly and thus seeing people and ministry victimized, by degrees, as a result.  Truth is, most sincere Christians are concerned about being too judgmental of others, making us overly careful and less diligent to discern people’s true motivations (when possible) and accurately assess their behavior (whenever necessary).  Thus, in most churches an NSL can run rough-shod over other leaders and the congregation while appearing — to the uneducated eye — to be deeply committed to God’s work.  Positive aspects of the NSL’s personality tendency can seem highly acceptable and even Godly, if not closely examined.  For example, NSL’s can be highly driven to extreme workaholism, forcing others to adopt self-destructive approaches to work that, especially over time, can seriously injure mental and physical health.  NSL’s frequently press for excellence in all endeavors, foisting extreme pressure on colleagues, co-laborers and even followers.  An NSL’s extreme need for admiration and loyalty can easily mis-shape a productive ministry environment into a hot-house of competition and insecurity, with healthy ambition becoming transfigured from the hearty exchange of inspiration between  hard-working and encouraging co-ministers into the paranoid dynamics and manic-machinations of personality-cult members.  Further, NSL’s can be extremely effective at putting themselves on display in altruistic activities and missions.  For fear of appearing overly-critical, colleagues can notice blatantly self-referential displays of the NSL engaged in care-giving for others and still remain silent.  Damaging examples of NSL’s rushing to appear altruistic in the eyes of others while alienating, manipulating, hurting or even disillusioning those they seek to “help” are becoming more frequent in churches.  Constituents are increasingly left to wonder if the help they’ve received is the work of a true benefactor or simply a benevolent dictator dispensing “strings-attached” gifts among the needy for later use in personal  or even political advancement within the organization or wider church movement.

The answer to recognizing narcissistic personality disorder and the presence of NSL’s in the church is found in Jesus’ own instructive words to his disciples, in Matt. 10:16: “…be as shrewd as snakes but as innocent as doves.”